A Boring Recap of 2012...As if Racing Was All That Mattered

As I sit here gagging on a glass of bourbon, attempting to regale you with the highlights of my 2012 race season, I can't help but picture you nodding off already.  I don't mind.  My exploits are petty at best.  But on the off chance that you haven't been privy to my constant attempts at sneaking in a zinger in about how awesome this race day was or how earth-shattering my time was there, allow me to catch you up.....so you can get back to teaching your son a valuable life-lesson, or plugging in that last part of the formula to solve world hunger, or making the perfect hot dog.

This will just take a sec, and then you can utter that very deep sigh and wish you had these 5 minutes of your life back.....

2012 Triathlete Highlight #1:

Hey, look at me, I PR'd my 5k and snuck one in under 18 minutes!  When you consider I can pop a zit, eat a pop tart and have sex in the same amount of time I squeezed in under the 18 minute barrier, 3 seconds is almost.......if you squint.....impressive!  It happened at the Habitat for Humanity 5K in Greenville if you wish to make a pilgrimage.

2012 Triathlete Highlight #2:

I repeated victory at the Lake Kristi Triathlon!  Truth be told, a lot of the guys I normally struggle to stay ahead of bowed out of this race for some reason or another.  Still, it was an amazing achievement to hold off the masses, and more than twice I was followed around town by paparazzi trying to get a picture of me climbing out of my car without my panties on.  At least, the expression on my face as I exited the finishing chute was exactly the kind it takes to show how fun this triathlon stuff is:

 Drool......!

2012 Triathlete Highlight #3:

I conquered my St Croix Half Ironman demons from 2007.  What the hell izzat?  I dunno, how about being the guy that Outdoor Life Network (now NBC Sports Network) pegged as a shoe-in to wuss out on a hill in front of a camera on the run course and then zoomed in as my fat ass gave up and walked up it?  Anyway, I went back this year to redeem myself......and totally sucked again.  But I ran that damn hill.

 I don't have any impressive race photos from St Croix, so instead here's me crashing the volunteer party after the race.

2012 Triathlete Highlight #4:

I won my first Half Iron distance race!  I totally figured out this distance and the key to winning one and executed my plan to perfection.  What you do is.......find a half iron in the most obscure location you can.  Make sure there are plenty of much bigger races out there that all the fast guys will go to.  Then sneak in and take home all the spoils.  In this case, a plastic molded thing that hangs around my neck.  Rags to riches baby! 

 Coming out of the swim at OBX Half Iron.  The zipper instructions were above my reading level.

2012 Triathlete Highlight #5:

And this one is the Big Kahuna.....cuz I had the breakthrough race of my life at Ironman Florida and surpassed every goal I could possibly have put on myself.  I broke 10 hours and went 9:20, PR'd every leg of the race, and came in 5th in my age group and qualified for the World Championship in Kona in 2013.  I am so thankful, so excited, and eager to get to the Big Island and enjoy this amazing experience.

I can't imagine a mo' betta' year in 2013, but I'm all in baby!  I wish all my toenails could join me next season but sadly 7 passed away during the process of the above achievements.  Cheers to everyone, and I hope you have the breakthrough season you're looking for as well.  Let's go drop some balls on things and impress the world with our Chinese fireworks!