Crutchin': A Mobilegs White Paper

Crutchin' in style in downtown Raleigh.  "Step on a crack, break y'mama's back" don't count on Mobilegs.

I had just crutched out through the automatic doors at Orthopedics East when my peripheral caught what I thought was my reflection in a mirror.  In that split second I heard the beginning of a spaghetti western song as I turned to focus and found not the stunning reflection of the dashingly un-follicled specimen I had expected but a similarly becrutched caballero making his way to his car.  We locked eyes, and I read through his: “Are we racing?”  Oh. Yes. We. Are.  It was a full on Crutch-Off.  I stabbed my sticks in the concrete, flung my lower half forward, and dropped him.  The crutcher had no chance.  I had Mobilegs.

And that’s why when I enter crutch-offs I always bring my Mobilegs.  Their sleek and super sexy lines not only compliment the curvy misshapenness of my figure, but the aero advantage I get from the oval tubes is wind tunnel test proven to save 12 watts, equal to 3 seconds in a 50 meter parking lot time trial over the conventional crutch design (test results are for 10 degree yaw wind angle).   

 Because wind.  And the Mobileg is like,  "Bring it."

I can increase that advantage by another 9 watts with the addition of my aero helmet, which also provides a 17% increase in pure manliness - an obvious added bonus.

This picture only possible with the use of high powered cameras with incredibly fast shutter speed.

Although the aero advantage data of my Mobilegs is real and indisputable, you cannot overlook the weight savings advantage either.  The two go hand in hand.  Mobilegs are .67 lbs lighter than the leading brand crutch.  I find that, with conventional crutches, over a climb such as Hogpen Gap in Georgia (12 miles, average grade of 15%) it can take me up to 3 days longer to reach the top than if I climb on my Mobilegs.  This weight savings is achieved through lightweight advanced space-age materials not even attainable to the public yet.  They’re metal as opposed to conventional wooden crutches.  A series of holes is also strategically drilled along the length of the tubes to further cut weight as well as break up the turbulent flow of air over them much like the dimple technology seen in some experimental golf balls, which are just now being introduced among some of the top pro golfers on the circuit.

 This cross section shows how a pair of Mobilegs is affected by wind vectors.  Basically, they are not. 

What’s more, my Mobilegs offer a unique feature called suspension. This offers a mechanical advantage allowing my powerful lat muscles to expand and contract freely when gripping the pit pads during a high G acceleration typical of a parking lot crutch-off.  Conventional crutch pit pads are slicker and without available suspension, allowing the pilot of a pair of Mobilegs to achieve the hole shot every time in a crutch-off.  It’s that guaranteed.

 

 This graph depicts how wind speed affects crutch speed at different angles of yaw.  Since the aerodynamic advantage of my Mobilegs increases as the angle of wind swings beyond 90 degrees, I always park the car either up or downwind of a potential crutch-off start line.  Good preparation is just good practice.

Mobilegs are simply faster.  Have you ever heard of a guy getting caught for robbing a store while on Mobilegs?  Exactly.

Gnawed your foot off to get out of a bear trap?  Leg mangled in a wood chipper? Get the crutch rocket.  Get Mobilegs.  Because science.

 

And Mobilegs only need a minimal time to recharge.  For me, recharging periods are time for bonding with my Mobilegs.