My Secret Race

-         I take oral injections daily of cottage cheese.  I’m not happy about it, but it’s what I have to do to compete.  And if you think about it, everyone else is doing it too so aren’t I just doing what it takes to hang with the rest of the competition?  I have to use code names for it because my wife and friends think it looks disgusting and I don’t like to gross them out.  I’ve called it clabbered up milk, pelican shit, or Scottish sheep.  That last one because it sounds similar.  Or just sheep for short.  I think Angie really knows what I’m doing when I say it, but it makes me feel like I’m pulling the wool over her eyes when I say things like, “I’m gonna go orally take in a sheep.”

-         I don’t do a whole sheep, because the glow period – the period at which people can physically catch you doing a sheep – lasts longer, so I microdose and get it out of my system quickly.  I do my sheep right before bedtime, and I love the feeling as I lay there in bed with the chill of the casein protein coursing through my veins.  I keep telling myself as I lay there, “If I’m microdosing on sheep, how many sheep are the other guys doing?” 

-         I’m amazed that some of my racing friends are so nonchalant about the way they store their cottage cheese.  I know one guy that keeps it right on the front of the top shelf of his fridge in the original container that it came in.  There it is with a big label, “100% Whole Milk Grade A Cottage Cheese.”  I mean, anybody could just walk in and open his fridge and they’d be like, “Whoa, wassup with this?!  You’re totally on the juice, man!”  That’s why as soon as I buy my cottage cheese, I take it out of the container and smear it into a white pasty pile on some aluminum foil and stick it behind some sodas in the back of the fridge.  Cuz, nobody likes leftovers in some grungy looking crumpled up aluminum foil.

-         I have a generator attached to my refrigerator in case the power goes out.  That way I can make sure that my cottage cheese is always kept chilled at the right temperature.  A lot of people don’t realize that those little lumps of white stuff are living tissue and they have to be kept refrigerated or they spoil.  They die.  A friend of mine once raced after bagging a bad sheep.  He won his race but he was never right after that.  I’ve heard of other racers hiring people to house sit when they go on trips just to make sure the power doesn’t go out and spoil their sheep.

-         I buy a carton of Silk chocolate soy milk every week and keep it in the fridge.  It looks just like something you would hide a bag of blood in, and if you picked it up and squeezed it you would think it even feels like a bag of blood inside.  I call it my BB, and it’s soooooo delicious.  Sometimes I pretend a racing friend looks in my fridge and sees it, thinking I’ll be swelled up like a dog tick with a BB in me for Lake Kristi.

-         There’s a phrase I used to hear when I first started racing…”wayvoseebacon.”  Sometimes it’s used in a derogatory manner like, “Man, I sucked at the Sunday Morning 10 Miler.  I was running wayvoseebacon.”  But sometimes it can be used almost as if they’re bragging: “I was flying at the Thursday Night World Championships and I was riding on wayvoseebacon!”  Then I realized the phrase is actually “juevos y bacon” – Spanish for “eggs and bacon,” meaning I only had eggs and bacon in me prior to the ride.  No cottage cheese.  I look back on when I used to race wayvoseebacon and I don’t know how I ever managed to finish races like that.